# Merciless

By Randall Degges · February 26, 2012 · https://rdegges.com/2012/merciless/

> I'm tired of being told moderation is the key to success. So I'm trying the opposite: live mercilessly, push past my limits, and leave no room for regret.

![Berserk Sketch][]


I've been working on myself a lot the past few years.  I've been trying to
become stronger, faster, smarter, more honest, and better (overall).  The
process of becoming these things is hard work; it takes years of dedication,
patience, and discipline--at least, that's what they tell you.

I've lived my entire life (up till now) being told that moderation is
important, and even critical to success.  Despite this, I can't help but shake
the feeling that somewhere, deep inside, there's a loud, booming voice telling
me to do things all the way, with complete and absolute dedication.  The voice
tells me that regardless of whether I'm working out, writing software, writing
articles (as I am now), or even working on my marriage and friendships--that I
should push myself to my limits (and beyond) to make what I'm currently working
on successful.

This voice tells me that there is no middle ground--there is only
[absolute victory][], or absolute failure.  It tells me that no matter what the
consequence, whether it be fatigue, injury, or even death--that I **must** do
it.  Live with pain, or live with regret.

For the longest time I've talked with my wife about my struggle with personal
development.  Everyday I question with the approach I take.  While consistency
is important, I always feel inadequate with my progress, and feel that I should
be pushing harder, running faster, and sprinting to the finish line.

Through the years, I've read so many books on personal development, minimalism,
and life hacks that I can't help but see all their themes blended together.
More than anything, the theme to these books is one of moderation: build up
habits slowly, one at a time, and if you stick with it over the years, you'll
eventually become more and more like the person you're trying to become.

While I understand the idea that moderation is important, and quite possibly
the best method for most people to make life changes--I'm tired of fighting my
nature.  I'm tired of making myself live by rules that I can't personally
follow with complete dedication.  I'm tired of forcing myself to slow down and
live a way that I don't fulfilling.

For the remainder of this year, I'm going to try something completely
different.  I'm going to let go of all my fears, worries, and previous
knowledge--and I'm going to live the way that voice tells me to.  I'm going to
*live mercilessly*.

Instead of worrying about myself, I'm going to push myself as hard as I can.
I'm going to exercise harder, eat healthier, work with more focus, and build
the projects I feel like building on my spare time.

Instead of taking my time to do things, so I don't overexert myself, I'm going
to do things as fast as I feel they should be done.  This means no more
procrastination.  No more self pity. 

Instead of constantly trying to live comfortably and without stress, I'm going
to make sure I don't feel comfortable.  I'm going to work on the most bold and
adventurous projects possible, and ensure that I'm constantly pushing myself
beyond my means.  I want to make sure that regardless of my current
disposition, I'm constantly growing, learning, and living to the fullest.

-   Execute fear.
-   Abolish doubt.
-   Eradicate anxiety.
-   Slay pity.
-   Ravage concern.
-   Obliterate moderation.

Deep down, I feel that I can no longer live the way I've been living.  The
voice won't let me.  To feel like I'm *living on purpose*, I need to
dramatically change my lifestyle, and more importantly, my thinking.

So here goes nothing.

Into the darkness we go.


[Berserk Sketch]: berserk-sketch.png "Berserk Sketch"
  [absolute victory]: /2011/absolute-victory/ "Absolute Victory"